It's been months since I picked out one of my affirmation cards. This morning I felt the urge to pick one. I stood over the pack I had spread out and laid face down on my bed, closed my eyes and tuned into my wise woman. It felt hard at first. I was 'thinking' too much and I stood still until my thoughts quietened down and I could tap into my inner knowing. Once I saw which one I'd picked, I felt such a rush of emotion and a whisper I've been hearing for a while now that said, "I know you'd given up on me". Thanks Universe. And yes you're right, I had.
I realise that for the past few months I've rejected any concept of a higher power and by extension my own feminine energy. I've turned my back on believing in something bigger than myself, and defaulted to believing that everything remains in my control and power. I've spent too much time in my masculine energy which ultimately resulted in my experience of burnout. Everything felt like a to do list, an effort, and I struggled to find joy in anything.
I lost my sense of purpose, and panicked that I didn't know what I wanted to do with my business. I'd launched it, I'd told the world about it and now what. I spiralled.
Who am I as a coach, as a facilitator?
What do I want to do and be in the world?
And how on earth do you use social media for your business without feeling absolutely exhausted all the time?
So, what was the trigger for this spiral?
Well, I know exactly what and when it was. Of course, I didn't at the time. Looking back now it feels like a slow, drip feed of rejection. And I'll be completely honest, it's been extremely painful to experience and to reflect on whilst writing this. I failed at something. Like, really failed and as a result I rejected the very thing I thought had failed me, the Universe.
It's taken me the last few months to sit with how I've been feeling and process everything. I've learnt to sit with my emotions and allow them to surface when they're ready. These ones needed to take their time, and they've been layered which has made it even more difficult for me to shift through.
I thought about sharing more in this post, and then realised that I'm not quite ready yet. As Bréne Brown says:
“I only share when I have no unmet needs that I'm trying to fill. I firmly believe that being vulnerable with a larger audience is only a good idea if the healing is tied to the sharing, not to the expectations I might have for the response I get.”
So for now, I feel my healing is tied to acknowledging what's been going on and that I've been struggling. I don't want to pretend anymore that the past few months haven't been difficult, because they have. I've felt lost with how I share my gifts with the world, and in my darker days even knowing what my gifts are. I keep coming back to the same question, "what is my purpose in life?"
It's a work in progress or maybe that's where I'm going wrong. It's not work, it's about embodiment and being. So for now, that's what I'm doing. Not forcing anything, not pushing myself to show up online when I feel I have nothing to say. I need to go inwards right now, not outwards and really show up for myself before I try to do that for and with others.
This morning I felt a nudge to pull a card and tap in for a moment into the magic of the Universe. I feel like we're slowly rekindling our connection to each other, and my healing can really begin. It's time.